So much more than a Job

I think I have never properly sat down to write about my feelings for my field of work. If you had told me a few years ago that I would be working with people with special needs, I wouldn't have believed it. Not because I was against it or anything, but simply because they were never on my radar. I didn't have a disabled family member and the only time I had ever worked with them was for one week during my school days. I had a lot of fun then, but still I never got the idea that this will be my dream job. It's all thanks to my Mum I guess. She was the one to tell me about my first working place with people with special needs. I only went there, because I couldn't find anything else. I was terrified to say the least. I always am when I am starting new things, but this time there were thoughts like: "Omg, what if I can't deal with them?" "What if I am too grossed out?" And so on. Nowadays I can't believe I ever thought that. 

I think I loved the place on the first day. I remember tweeting something along the lines of: "I love my working place already. This will be a good year." And it was. I formed a bond with one of the residents there really quickly, Amanda, the girl I told you about already. She can't talk, so we communicate through noises, pinching and pulling my hair, hugs and smiles. Over time I was able to understand her moods immediately and had the ability to soothe her most of the times. My Co-Workers were so glad when I was working, because she was relaxed and calm and just stayed by my side the whole time. It was love at maybe second sight for me, tenth sight for her. But I genuinely believe that she loves me. And I love her. So much. I still work with her on the weekends and she always needs a couple of minutes to realize that it's me and that I'm here and then she laughs and laughs and screams her happy scream and reaches for my hands and it's the best thing ever. She is the main reason why I decided to study inclusive education. The other residents were great too and the whole team was and I knew I never wanted to miss the joy, happiness and love this Job gave me. 

That hasn't changed since. I had the opportunity to work with so many more clients and almost every single one of them has reminded me of what I want to do. A few especially have taken my heart. Adam, a boy I was only working with for two weeks. He is also non verbal and communicates with slaps, smiles and cute noises. You see, I have a pattern with my favorite clients. Adam is awesome. In the two weeks I was there, the teachers were baffled and told me that I have brought forward a new child. They didn't know before that he could actually be calm and quiet and still happy. I left with the feeling of having changed something and there really is no better feeling. It is why you do this Job. To make a difference for your clients, to make their life a better one. The same with my third favorite client and the one I still have at the moment. Salma. Her communication is based on yes, no (not recallabe), smiles, laughs, annoyed huffs and looks that could kill. The big difference between her and Adam and Amanda is that we all believe that she will be able to talk one day. When I came to the school in September, she was introduced to me as a basically hopeless case and that they didn't know what to do. Since then, she has changed dramatically. I really don't know what of that is down to me, but I like to believe that I did help her at least a bit. She is so much more responsive now. She gives answers more frequently, she knows how to do a few signs, she is generally more interested in the world and interacting more with things and people. My boss once said it's like I've awoken her from a trance. In just a few months time, her perspective for life has changed so much for the better. I can only hope that she will continue to go her way once I leave. 

In conclusion I am so glad to have chosen this path of my life. I will never earn the most money, but that is okay. Because the gratitude, love, acceptance and happiness I get from my clients is more important than anything. It's what keeps me going when I'm feeling shit about myself and everything else. During the last couple of months I did have hard times with anxiety and generally feeling like shit. But never once was it about work. I never went to work without being happy to see the kids. I am so happy that life somehow led me to this field of work, to Adam and Amanda and Salma and all the other people I have met along the way. I have so many amazing memories already and I can't wait to make more. 

xx

Adventures with my Dad

Hi there :)

I finally realized the reason why I don't post much on this page anymore. I have Twitter, I have Instagram and mostly I don't need more space to express my emotions. But today is one of those days where I am like: Okay, even 280 characters aren't enough and I can't post a whole page on Instagram about it. So here I am, a few months after my last post to write about yesterday. 

Yesterday I went to Stuttgart with the train to meet my favorite girls and see the Vfb Stuttgart against Borussia Dortmund game. I had so much anxiety about this day, but like always it was totally not necessary. I had the best day. It was so nice to see Alla and Eleni again after such a long time (We tried to guess when we last saw each other and it was something about a year), we went to eat some Gyros and walked through town, looking at all the christmas decoration possibilities. I love Christmas so much, sadly I couldn't take much stuff home since I couldn't really take much to the stadium with me. The girls dropped me off at the train station, they were so cute to make sure I really get there safely. I don't know if Anni has told them something about my anxiety, I always hope that she did, because then I don't have to tell them myself. Of course I still managed to get off at the wrong stop, so I still had to walk quite a bit to the stadium, but it was alright, because I could just blend in with the big crowd that was going to the stadium as well. Once I got there, I met my Dad. He had only agreed on Monday to come with me and I was so glad, because it meant I didn't have to get back home by myself and also I finally had a nice experience with my Dad. He showed me around a bit, since he has been coming to the stadium for a very long time (1962). Then we got inside. We had the best seats. Third row! Mostly surrounded by Dortmund fans. We are still buzzing about the game today. It was so good. Our neighbours were so nice and cool and easy to talk to, it was a tension filled and amazing game. Dortmund lost, but I couldn't even find it in me to be disappointed, because my Dad was so happy that his team won, it's rare to see him like that. I am so glad to have gotten this experience with my Dad. Even on the way back home, we still talked about the game excitedly and sang along to all the songs on the radio. It was magic. Like I said on Twitter this morning: I love to see a game comfortably from the couch, but seeing a game live is the best thing ever. There is so much adrenaline involved, so much fun, so much admiration for the amazing fans. I could see my favorite players up close. Like so close ("Wow, Guerreiro is really tiny. Look how big Bürki is"). I couldn't stop smiling at the Stuttgart fans, because they were so loud in supporting their team and so happy about the win. I love football. I love that it gives me the possibility to get to know my Dad more and to share adventures with him. And one day I will take him to Dortmund to show him the yellow wall. Because it is one of the best things ever and another experience I want to share with him. 

xx

I moved!!

Hey there :)

I can't believe I can finally say this: I moved out of my childhood home. Finally. It has been one of the scariest things ever. Even when I moved out to go to England, I knew that I would be back in a year. But now it feels kind of final. Let's start from the beginning.

I'm in my third semester studying inclusive education now, which means that we have to do a practical semester. I got a place in a primary school with special needs kids. I am honestly really looking forward to it, since I haven't spend much time working with children yet. New experiences, yay! The primary school is about 20 minutes away from my childhood home, close to Amanda and one of my best friends Melissa, so I started thinking about moving out to save fuel, but also to finally be independent. So I wrote two applications for shared flats and immediately got an answer back. I went to see it the next day and said yes on the same day. Two days later I had signed the contract. It was so fast! From that day I was on an inner countdown, I started packing up and buying stuff for my new room. One day before moving in, I went to IKEA with Melissa. So since September I am living here, alone till the 15th, then I will get a roommate. And so far everything feels amazing. Somehow the most exciting part was filling the fridge with food that is just for me! 

I will live here till the 15th of March, that long I will work at the primary school, visit Amanda on the weekends and probably go home afterwards to return Sunday evening. After that I want to get an apartment in my hometown. Right now I just really like having my own place. I can finally invite people around. Melissa was already here, helping me move in, she'll come today again maybe. Next weekend I will also stay here, since Lisa is coming from Freiburg to visit me and maybe Isabel on Sunday. I'm so proud of this tiny flat. Maybe I will even be able to pay for it. I'm feeling very lucky at the moment. 

the last couple of weeks ll shit got real

I just checked this page, because I want to do a little picnic with Amanda tomorrow and remembered my post about summer picnics. Then I realized my last post was my birthday. And I forgot to tell all the amazing things that have happened afterwards. So let's get started.

My birthday: 

I had a brilliant day. I did drive to the graveyard to see my grandma, I didn't eat Nutella pancakes. I went to Freiburg and had an amazing lunch with Alexandra and Svenja. Afterwards we had some ice cream and even missed the first lesson of the day, because it was so nice. I got so many lovely messages that day from my friends and Ivonne, a favorite fanfiction writer of mine uploaded a chapter just for me. I felt really loved. 

Berlin:

Oh god. I can't even describe how amazing this trip was. I don't think I have ever been more tired in my life, but it was so fucking worth it. The hours before the game were spent on a boat, singing BVB songs and entertaining the people in Berlin, sitting at the spree and informing our roommate from Chicago about the event. Then driving to the stadium with so much excitement and an energy drink. We met Nikos, a Frankfurt supporter that helped us find the stadium, chatting with us the whole time and even taking care of us when we came to a train station full of Frankfurt supporters. He was awesome. We parted ways at the stadium, shaking hands and wishing each other good luck. We had the weirdest places. It was the last row, it was so high up and we were supported by almost nothing. Every time the guys in front of us jumped up and down we were terrified. We had lovely neighbors. A woman with binoculars that informed us about everything happening on the field that we couldn't see, Andi and his brother that were an awesome entertainment during the match. And last but not least, THE GAME. THE WIN! Holy shit. It was overwhelming. I haven't had the opportunity to witness something like this before. It was everything. I felt so happy. Everyone was hugging. We were so relieved. We were so tired after the game that we could only head back and sleep. It was a very short night. I couldn't even sleep long, because I was still so hyped. The way back was like the cherry on top. It was such a long bus ride, 13 hours, but I had a lovely bus driver and such a nice girl next to me. We chatted, she gave me her bread and a few of her fries, I slept, I watched the corso at the Borsigplatz, still not getting the smile of my face. I am so happy to have made that trip, to be brave enough to do it. It was so worth it. 

London: 

Seeing Marika again after two years at the airport felt like one of these movie scenes. I spotted her before she saw me and I was walking up to her with the biggest smile on my face. I called out "Mate!" and in the same second her eyes met mine. She started smiling instantly and we were finally in an arms reach to hug. We hugged for so long, so happy to have each other again. Everything about coming back to this country was so weird. It felt like we had never left. It was so familiar. The airport, the sirens, the left driving. I have missed England. We had a lovely apartment. The bed was broken, so we moved the mattress to the living room and the window wouldn't stay up until we put a few blankets in it, but other than that it was awesome. In a nice area (alright the last day someone got stabbed on our street, but whatever) and with enough shops around. We ordered Dominos, had Nandos, Starbucks, Costa, shopped at Sainsburys, everything that I have missed. Strawberry Cider, banana bread, mini eggs....I could go on. We saw London again, went to Hampton Court and visited Henry VIII's palace, we went to Brighton again and the national gallery. It was great and not ruined by the newest terror attack. This town is strong. We discovered a new Netflix show called Drag race and obsessed over it. A break from everything, well needed. 

And now there is just one thing left. Southside. I actually don't want to go right now, because all I can think about is not being able to shower for days and having drunk people around me. And I actually started studying and exams are soon, so I don't know. But I hope it'll be good. Let's do this!

my 21st birthday

Here I am again. Wow, this must be a record. I have just realized that my favorite way to start my birthday is to look through all my old posts on my old blog. I got a bit nostalgic at reading all these posts from 2013 until today. You forget so many things, which is why I love writing it all down. So this is what I'll do again this year. 

My weekend was eventful. On Saturday I watched the last Dortmund game of the bundesliga season and planed my Berlin trip. Today I went to see my girl Amanda, watched Stuttgart come back into the first league and baked a cake for my birthday. I hope it will be a good one. So yes, I feel rested and still like I've been on my feet the whole weekend. 

Since my birthday is a Monday I don't really have a lot planed, my real birthday will hopefully be the Berlin trip (and Dortmunds win). I will start the day tomorrow with making myself some nutella pancakes. Then I'll drive to the cemetery to wish my grandma a happy birthday too. Afterwards I will drive to Freiburg with my student colleague Alexandra and we will meet our friend Svenja to have lunch somewhere. Then I'll even attend a bit of Uni and arrive home really late, like 19:30. So yeah, nothing exciting happening, but I don't even mind. I am just happy to have my favorite people around, to get some presents and happy birthday messages. And cake of course. Basically the most important part. Maybe I'll even remember to report back to you to how it's been. Maybe this is is actually a post for my old blog. Mh...I'm not so sure.

stressful, fucking exciting weeks!

So. I have no idea how I will survive the next couple of weeks. In a good way, a very very good way. Because somehow - and I have no idea how - I have managed to have 5 big events in a matter of one month. Let me write them down for you.

22. May 2017: My 21st birthday

26-28. May 2017: DFB POKALFINAL IN BERLIN!!

1-8. June 2017: England with Marika

12. June 2017: Luke Mockridge in Mannheim with Fabs and Kat

23-25. June 2017: Southside festival 

Do you believe me now? It's a LOT. But it's also fucking amazing. Like I am so excited and terrified and anxious and buzzing for these dates. I also have no money left on my bank account, but I think it is so fucking worth it. Not going to lie, I had a rough couple of weeks before all this planing. I just didn't really know what to look forward to and it was hard to get out of bed and to Uni in the mornings. Uni being a joke right now, didn't make it easier. But now I am positively beaming and practically jumping through the days to make the time go by faster. I stopped wearing headphones during my travels to avoid having to talk to people. I am meeting lots of friends. Life is certainly busy right now, but I wouldn't want to have it any other way. 

I just simply forgot to plan my birthday. Just yesterday night I decided on the cake I want to bake tomorrow. It will be with raspberries. But apart from that, I haven't got a plan for the day. Maybe I should think about that, before packing up my stuff for Berlin :D Jut writing this makes my tummy go crazy with butterflies, I am so so excited and nervous about these upcoming weeks. It will be a challenge, definitely, because I don't deal well with unknown situations and it can be quickly overwhelming. But I also know that these weeks will be the best of the year. So speak to you soon and I hope I was right!

Dear future children of mine ll letter two

 I just came back from my friend's place (I really hope you know her by Aunt Kat today) where we watched Champions League. Now if I raised you right, you will know that I love Borussia Dortmund. Ideally you will love this club too, but no pressure, you can choose any club you want. Just not Chelsea, or Manchester United or Barcelona or Bayern. You can also think that football is shit, but I still feel the need to tell you about this night and this love of my life (besides you of course). 

Today Borussia Dortmund played against Benfica Lissabon in the Champions League last sixteen. We had lost the first leg by 0 - 1, so I was really nervous. I drove over to Kat in my little car with the BvB number plate, I wore my BvB scarf. 

The game was amazing! Not as nerve wrecking as some others that I have watched, but like I always say: "It's Dortmund, we can still lose." But we won 4 - 0 and as I saw the team celebrating and the coach being so happy, I couldn't help but feel pride.

A few years ago I could have never guessed that football would be such a big part of my life, but I'm so happy it is. It gives me something to look forward to during the week. The euphoria of winning a game and the feeling of somehow belonging to all supporters, is still unmatched.  

When one of my favorite players left the team, I cried. When we lost multiple finals against Bayern, I was devastated. When we won the important games, I jumped up and down of joy. 

I really hope you will understand my love for football and maybe even share it. Maybe I'll meet your dad at one of these games. As long as he's not a Bayern fan, we should be fine.  

Love, Mum xx